In the Wake of Vanquishment
11.07.09 (10:24 am) [edit]Exactly a year ago, I was a depressed wreck. Sleep did not come easily and the nights were dreadfully long. Days were dark and sombre, lived out in a weary drag. My clouded mind writhed in pain from the stabs of loss, eyes bled with tears, and my heart throbbed at the sight of all that reminded me of her.
Melodramatic is the word that best comes to mind after reading those lines I just wrote. A year on after the girl I loved left me, I've risen gradually to a place far above that dismal, cavernous dungeon I was once confined to. I smile and laugh easily again. The radiance of carefree joy has found it's place in my countenance once again. In the now, I live my days with zeal and ardor, a far cry from the emotional derelict I once was.
The pain is gone, but I haven't forgotten the ordeal I went through. A dreadful memory no doubt, but nevertheless impossible to merely consign to oblivion. For let me tell you that the pain of it all was very real and manifested itself on many different levels. As such, I have renewed empathy for those who have lost in love and live in denial over shards of shattered dreams.
Not too long after she left me, I poured my heart out on paper in the form of a poem. I removed it from this site a few months ago because I no longer feel the same way about certain things I wrote in it now. After some thought however, I have decided to re-post it for the benefit of other souls out there who are lost in the vault of depression, the very same one I occupied one year ago.
To those of you who cry bitter tears over the one who left you, please read this and remember that it was written a year ago. The pain had to be dealt with, and sadness had to run its course. But if you believe in yourself, the power of prayer, and allow yourself to be helped by the ones who really care about you, you will recover slowly but surely. Allow yourself the time to heal, for days of joy and felicity will soon fill your life once again. Take it from he who has traversed your path before, who now serves you these words of reflection with a knowing, blissful smile. And I pray that He will lift your burden and bless you with the strength and courage to persevere, and shine His light upon you to guide your path.
*Amen*
The Memory of Us
Into my life you spontaneously came,
Instantaneously giving rise to a passionate flame,
Exhilaration lifted my spirits high above,
As I swirled in the giddying vertigo of love.
Our first kiss on a cool February night,
Steadfast gazes in a frenzy of delight,
The keys that unlocked a genesis of promises,
Hopes of union, sharing and togetherness.
The journey began with your hand in mine,
With reassuring words that all would be fine,
Love of my life, I said to you,
You're the one I want, it's true, I do.
But the rays of faith and hope so dear,
Soon slipped away behind an eclipse of doubt and fear,
The manifesting realisation of slipping youth and risky chance,
True magnitude of which clutched you in an inescapable trance.
I listened to your reasons recited in weeping agony,
And tirelessly reassured you that we could overcome this courageously,
But alas, the burden of waiting had taken its toll,
Our hands slipped and I descended into a dreadful fall.
Frustration and melancholy engulfed my mind,
As I struggled to comprehend your reasoning behind,
The undoing of our precious hopes and that promising dream,
Which now lay tattered and lifeless in eternal requiem.
The memory of us stubbornly lingers on,
Though I slowly realise just how much is gone,
My days spent with you in the lap of heavenly bliss,
I shall always treasure and most greatly miss.
If only our fates could be eternally entwined,
Forever in our embrace we would be willingly confined,
But we can't and why I cannot construe,
All I can say my darling, is that I will always love you.
R.I.P. Michael Jackson - Always Missed and Never Forgotten
07.11.09 (10:51 am) [edit]I've lived through several celebrity passings but this one was different...vastly, immensely different! This one was just so much more personal. I have admired Michael's work for as long as I can remember. My taste in music has gone through much change over the years and yet, the music of Michael Jackson effortlessly remains in my list of permanent favourites. Thriller was the first album I fell in love with as a child, listening to it from side to side every chance I got...I even played it in bed while waiting for slumber to kick in. I remember saving up money from my allowance to buy Dangerous, and how my mother would ask me time and time again to play Black Or White (she still does to this day). I remember sitting in the living room watching his music videos when Bad had just been released, together with my brother, cousins, mother, aunties and grandparents. That's three entirely different generations all sitting together watching with enjoyment the singing and dancing of one man. How many people could do that? How many people could wield such power, to bring people together and hold their absolute attention with jaw-dropping amazement? Michael did just that for a very long time. He was larger than life and nothing prepared us for his passing.
After a couple of days of disbelief, I actually felt somewhat happy for him. It wasn't very long ago when I said through Facebook how I wished Michael Jackson would be given a break for he had been plagued with problems for so long. Looks like he finally got that break...sad though that it meant having to leave his children whom he loved so very dearly. The man did so much to help the world in whatever way he could, and in the end when Michael was the one in need of help, only God was able to liberate him from a world that seemed more inclined towards critising him endlessly without mercy, rather than ease his burden by simply leaving him alone if no help could be rendered. Shame on you world!
What is it with people and their fascination with Michael's quirky habits? Don't we all have our own little quirks? I know I have mine, and you may find these habits normal, maybe even cute and endearing...or you may think of me a freak, or weirdo. Frankly I'm not in the least bit bothered which camp you're going to join because we're all entitled to our individual opinions. Normality is subjective, hence differences should be respected (provided they aren't harmful or cruel of course). I personally think Michael was fairly normal given the circumstances he grew up with. Who are we to pass negative judgements on a person we hardly knew? Yes, we knew Michael as a celebrity but those close to him always say there were two sides to the man...Michael Jackson the person was extremely shy, whose child-like demeanour endeared him to all who knew him personally. Michael Jackson the entertainer was a confident genius in every sense of the word, brimming with creativity, explosive energy and undying passion for what he did. Without a doubt, he is to entertainment what Albert Einstein is to physics, what Mozart is to classical music and what Shakespere is to literature. We all knew Michael the entertainer in some way or another but did we really know Michael as a person? Talk about Michael the person and a torrent of "facts" about "Wacko Jacko" spew forth. A French newspaper even labelled him a mutant...after his passing! How sad, frustrating and pathetic that people in general are stupid enough to blindly believe the claims of tabloids, and shallow enough to regurgitate these claims with savage enthusiasm rather than exercise some decency and sensitivity, and not add to baseless speculation. Michael always spoke with a genuine sadness about how hurt and dissapointed he felt about all these claims...claims which sadly, have not eased with Michael's passing. Claims which sadly, will probably haunt Michael's children all their lives.
Rev. Al Sharpton, Berry Gordy, Diana Ross, Brooke Shields, Stevie Wonder...fairly "normal" celebrities if you want to put it that way; They all adored Michael and spoke of him with utmost love, admiration and adoration. Their heartfelt eulogies give us a glimpse of what Michael the person was like and I absolutely enjoyed listening to them, albeit with teary eyes and a very heavy heart. These are the things I care about and want to know about Michael Jackson, not how many times he had his nose altered or why one of his closest friends happened to be a chimp called Bubbles. Rev. Al Sharpton could not have said it better when he ended his powerful eulogy with these words; "There wasn't nothing strange about your daddy. It was strange what your daddy had to deal with." The standing ovation that line effected was clearly well justified.
I have to admit that I have at times, been shocked by Michael's appearance. But who am I to pass judgement on why he did what he did? I have absolutely no idea what it is like having to have spent a childhood working endlessly instead of watching cartoons anytime I liked or play hide and seek with my brother when I was bored..., what it is like to live a life constantly under the scrutiny of millions..., what it is like to not be able to impulsively walk out the door for a casual stroll in the park..., what it is like to be cruelly judged based on allegations and speculation no matter what genuine good is done..., what it is like to constantly fight to maintain privacy in my everyday life. I do know what it is like to have my behaviour scrutinised and criticised by relatives who think they know what's best for me, and what it is like to have my freedom curtailed against my will. As manageable and somewhat bearable these annoyances are, I absolutely hate having to go through them. Hence, I cannot even begin to imagine what it must have been like for Michael, having to live each day of his life with the sort of negative attention he received.
I don't care about the allegations, let alone believe them. I will always remember Michael for his prodigous talent and his kindness, generosity and gentle demeanour. To this day, I am absolutely mesmerised by what he could do every single time I watch his music videos or listen to his songs. How I wish I could dance and sing the way he could. Yes, I would like to be like Michael Jackson. The ironic truth though, is that Michael wanted more than anything else to be like you and me. And so it is with his passing, that I am once again reminded to not take for granted what I have been so abundantly blessed with.
Try as I might, I cannot sing and dance like Michael...but I know I can try and be as kind, loving and generous as he was with a good degree of success.
The trendwagon
07.19.08 (2:01 pm) [edit]I've always been one to take my time when it comes to following a trend. That's probably because I hate following trends for the sake of popular habit, and certainly wouldn't want that to be my justification in doing something.
Some trends are just destined to be shortlived. Remember the Tamagotchi that was all the rage about a decade ago? I was in Form 5 at the time and it drove me nuts! I considered it a piece of plastic rubbish from the very moment I was acquainted with it...an absolute waste of time and money, but my classmates absolutely adored them!
To the uninitiated, the Tamagotchi, according to Wikipedia is "a handheld digital pet created in 1996 by Aki Maita and sold by Bandai. Over 10 million Tamagotchis have been sold as of 2005. The Tamagotchi is housed in a small and simple egg-shaped computer. Three buttons (A, B, and C) allow the user to select and perform an activity, including:
* Feeding the Tamagotchi a piece of food or a snack
* Playing games with the Tamagotchi to make it lose weight
* Cleaning up a Tamagotchi's waste
* Checking its age, discipline, hunger, weight, happiness and other statistics"
The Tamagotchi was capable of manifesting the maternal instincts of teenage schoolgirls AND boys. This little Japanese sensation could chew any preconceived notion about gender and masculinity into an incoherent pulp! I was absolutely tickled on many an occasion by the sight of a long-haired, long-fingernailed, "Mess with me and I'll break yer fuckin' face" juvenile delinquent fawning affectionately over his Tamagotchi who had just woken up from its nap, ready for its next feed. The same bloke would be reduced to a miserable wreck if you were to hit the reset switch as that would kill his pixelated pet...boohoo tough guy.
As you probably guessed awhile ago, I never felt remotely tempted to pick up the Tamagotchi habit. Neither did I listen to Britney Spears, buy G-Shock watches or "No Fear" T-shirts because every other dude was doing, listening to or wearing the trend. Some trends on the other hand, have been extremely useful, convenient and fun to use or immerse yourself in. Think along the lines of Facebook, text messaging, MTV and Heroes.
And so, today marks the start of a new habit for me...blogging. Why am I doing it? Because I love writing and blogging in itself is a great way of recording and exchanging ideas and thoughts. As long as you don't blog about every minuscule aspect of your daily life, I think blogging is good cerebral exercise. Done properly, it's an activity that's well justified and not just an arbitrary act of riding on the trendwagon.